I Wanna Live Forever

I'm in the middle of packing my house. Nearing the end, in fact. I have a linen closet, some storage stuff that should probably just be thrown out. The last minute kitchen stuff that I'll do on Friday. Awkward over-sized items that will get thrown in the trunk of my car. We're getting there. And at some point in the last few days we all started to pull together, my BBs and me.

We're on a roll. Creating new things for each of us to step into. The BBs are doing their things - finding jobs and places to share with friends. Spreading their wings. And I'm beginning to think of how I will feather my imminently empty nest.

Once that happens, it's time to start thinking about what's next for me. I have an interview with an amazing employment guru on Tuesday. She asked me some questions based on James Lipton's Inside the Actor's Studio interviews to get me ready. And I've just begun to think on them as I pack, sort, discard. 

And then I stopped to make a late dinner. A little eggs & toast to fuel our paccking. And I sat down to eat mine. And I turned on the TV. And I will stay here until midnight. Tomorrow is another day for packing, but tonight the TV has me rapt.

Why?

Because I Sing the Body Electric. Because I Wanna Be Bad and Not Even Care. Because I Wanna Live Forever. Because when I was 14 and first saw the original Fame on cable while babysitting I was titilated and moved and I thought that if those inner-city kids - a Jewish girl with a single mom, the piano-playing son of a taxi driver, a homeless & illiterate ballet dancer - could dream dreams they never even knew they had & then reach them, then maybe I, an awkward, insecure but charming wannabe singer & actor from a small town could maybe dream dreams and live them too. And tonight is the perfect night to dream dreams.

Back then I watched. And I re-watched. The first LP I ever bought (and still have) was the Fame soundtrack. And then I watched the TV show and bought (and still have) the LP of the TV soundtrack. And I received another season worth of soundtrack on a cassette in my Christmas stocking. I sang the songs as part of my drama classes.

And I dreamt.

I dreamt of singing. Of acting. Of New York City. I believed, back then, in miracles. In drug store discoveries. That chubby awkward blondes from nowhere could stand out somewhere. And I dreamt, as well, of teaching. Even when I dreamt of being a student at the NYC School for the Performing Arts I always dreamt of teaching. Of learning enough to pass it on.

I've taught now. I've been to New York City. I've sung for as many as 900 people. But somewhere along the way I forgot to dream. It's the perfect time for a refresher, even of the cheesy, dramatic, theatrical, musical 80's variety. Back to the TV - it's almost time for Coco's big song.

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you